Dear people of Grace,

So far, in my musings on prayer, I have identified that prayer is primarily about relationship – relationship with God, and relationship with our fellow brothers and sisters. Now I want us to think of our relationship with God, but to do so through the analogy of our most intimate friendships.

What do our relationships look like? In particular, think to our most intimate relationships – those with our spouses, parents, children, maybe even our pets, or best friends. I think we all instinctively know who these people (or animals) are. What characterizes these relationships? What is it that makes them special, distinct from other affiliations?

I want us to consider how our prayer life, our relationship with God, can be expressed. I offer up the following personal example, based upon my closest human relationship, that I have with my wife, Jessica:

When I think about my relationship with my wife, I think about how comfortable I am with her. I know her, and she knows me. I can tell her anything. I don’t hide things from her – that wouldn’t do our relationship any good. Even if I tried, she knows me well enough to know if I’m covering something up.

Doesn’t that sound like how our relationship with God should be? We should feel safe in God’s presence, feel comfortable, be honest and open. And God surely knows when we are not being honest!

My relationship with Jessica does not always entail a lot of verbal communication. Sometimes we just sit in silence. Sometimes just one of us talks, sometimes it’s a full-blown discussion. Because we know each other well, we don’t have to fill the space with noise. Sometimes I look at her and I can tell she’s happy, mad, or tired. Words are unnecessary in these moments, because I can see it on her face, and I know her.

Prayer is not always about speaking. Like any relationship, we need to do more listening than talking, if we want the relationship to last. Sometimes we have a lot to say, but other times we are lost for words or just want to share the moment. Prayer does not always have to be verbal. God can read our faces; God knows us.

Don’t think for one minute we live in some blissful paradise out here in Jamaica Beach! Sometimes my wife does things that aggravate me. Embarrassingly often, I let her down. Sometimes I get upset with her; sometimes she gets upset with me. But it’s ok, because we love each other. We are committed to each other, to the vows we made on our wedding day. As long as we can keep our relationship in focus, and we admit when we are wrong and try to do better next time, love wins out, and our relationship thrives.

Isn’t this the cycle of penitential prayer? We realize our faults, confess them, and aim to do better. Provided we really do try to improve, our relationship only grows stronger as we become more self-aware, and we realize the power of forgiveness.

When something wonderful happens which affects someone I care about, I want to share that joy with my wife. Likewise, when I’m worried about something, or someone, I talk to Jessica about it (bracketing confidential pastoral relationships of course – I have boundaries!). If I’m not sure what to do, I talk it through with her. Sometimes she gives me the answer, but more often than not, the process of talking it out with someone who cares for me, and who gives me their undivided attention, can help me see the answer which is right in front of my face. Sometimes it’s not something I can deal with on my own. Sometimes I need to ask for help.

We are in relationship with more than just God. When our brothers or sisters suffer, we bring our concern, and their pain, before God. When they experience joy, we share it with God. We are all in relationship: us, God, and others. This is what intercessory or petitionary prayer is all about.

I want my wife to be happy. I sometimes make her breakfast (and she probably wishes I did it more often!) – I don’t have to do things for my wife, but I know she appreciates it. And it is a non-verbal expression of our affection. There are things I do for those close to me which don’t directly benefit me, other than affirming the importance of our relationship.

Offering ourselves, our time and talents for God’s purposes affirms our relationship. Aligning ourselves with God’s purpose in the world furthers the kingdom of God. We call this Oblationary prayer.

Now, it wouldn’t hurt for me to tell my wife what I love about her, from time to time (she will certainly tell you that I’m not very good at this). It doesn’t hurt to thank her for being a good wife, a good mother, a good partner. Again, this isn’t always verbal. Sometimes it is expressed in a look, a hug, or a gift.

Thanksgiving, praise, adoration – we express these to God because they are hallmarks of relationship. I don’t have to express my adoration to God, but because I am in relationship with him, it is only natural that I communicate this love.

There are many types of prayer. The Catechism in the Book of Common Prayer explores this further – it’s a good list and I encourage you to read it (p. 856-857). My point, though, is that we shouldn’t think of prayer as a checklist. Yes, prayer should not simply be a stream of petitions asking God for stuff. But it doesn’t always have to include all these elements. Prayer is an expression of relationship. There are days when I just have to say, “sorry, Lord, I got nothing today!” And so I just sit in silence. But because God knows me, and I am in a relationship with God which is built on mutual love, it is all good. Sometimes there’s nothing to say.

The only mistake we can make in prayer, is to stop trying.

Blessings and peace,

Deacon Nick